"Is it easier to get you to do what I want with a fist to your face, or a gentle pat on the back and a handshake? Let this be a lesson in power."
"She’s ignoring my texts. Maybe she’s dead. Oh, I certainly hope so. I’d hate to think she’s being deliberately unresponsive."
"If I told you I’ve worked hard to get where I’m at, I’d be lying, because I have no idea where I am right now."
"30% of the time I am successful 70% of the time. That’s 100% in my book—a book that happens to have a page count that’s 21% Reduced Fat."
"I think the best time to stare off into space is when you’re going 65 on a motorcycle, provided you’re wearing your astronaut’s helmet."
"Man has two legs and chairs have four, because we were made to stand out, not sit down—or be sat on. You are your brand—you are not a piece of furniture. Well, this applies to everyone except my grandma, but she’s dead, so she really doesn’t mind being used as a coat rack."