"Reading makes you ready for the world. A man who doesn’t read is a man who is easily deceived. You must find that man and make him sign a contract, and you must do it before Satan does. Trust me, the profits are HUGE!"
"People tell me I look like my father. I've never seen my dad, so does that mean I look invisible?"
"Now that I’m 33.3 years old, the days of blue and green are behind me. I have left the earthy and entered into the purple phase of my life."
"Last year I built a Courage Machine, but I thought it might be noisy and was too afraid to turn it on. So I coated it with glue, covered it with cat hair, mounted it on my wall, and started claiming it was an exotic animal I killed on a Safari in Africa. I'd like to believe people believe me, on account of it being so strange that it has to be true."
"Her and I, we have a two chairs and a table kind of love. You should pull up a feeling and have a seat."
"I’ll cut jewels in the shape of crumpled-up pieces of paper. Her wedding ring may look like my 33rd attempt at my marriage vows."