"I’ve always felt that the best place to hide a body is in the trunk of a cop car, with a note affixed to the body that reads, “I’m sorry."
"A lot of people go searching for “Truth.” But they can’t be searching too hard, because very few of them ever think to look under my bed."
"I don't want to work a 9-5 job, because 20 hours a day is just too much."
"Sometimes I wish Jim Morrison were still alive, because I'd love to see a concert in which "The Doors"opened up for "The Cars."
"If writers write, then rangers range. And I’d like to wake up every morning and be a mother, so I could eat my own clothes."
"I’m glad scrambled eggs don’t have lips, because when I’m grinning over a hearty breakfast, it would really freak me out to see my breakfast grinning back. I’ve eaten a man for less than that."