Jarod Kintz, There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't

"I’m glad scrambled eggs don’t have lips, because when I’m grinning over a hearty breakfast, it would really freak me out to see my breakfast grinning back. I’ve eaten a man for less than that."

"If writers write, then rangers range. And I’d like to wake up every morning and be a mother, so I could eat my own clothes."

"The only time I really think is when I smoke, and I quit smoking years ago."

"It’s been said that the most successful people are often early risers. So that’s why I started getting up in the afternoon, which is well before any “successful” person even thinks of going to bed."

"The other day I went to the Huddle House. I wasn’t hungry, I just wanted to call some plays."

"The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg my friends to treat me that well."

"Moral codes are like the ocean. Some people live by them, while others, such as myself, would rather live by a lake."

"I’ve often wondered why more science textbooks don’t tell teenagers that the only thing sharks like to eat more than fish, are dead prostitutes."

"I’d love to work with an Asian guy named Wu Hu, because just saying his name would get me all pumped up and excited."

"And then he said the next time he sees me the gloves are coming off. I said, "Doc, that‘s no way to perform a prostrate exam."

"I love tables. And dancing. Oh, and I love table dancing, although Grandmother always says, "Wait until we're finished eating."

"My parents always said that knowledge was the best gift they could give me, probably because they were too cheap to buy me Christmas or Birthday presents."

"I have a real problem keeping friends. I'm always running out of space in my freezer."

"Sometimes I wish Jim Morrison were still alive, because I'd love to see a concert in which "The Doors"opened up for "The Cars."

"A lot of people go searching for “Truth.” But they can’t be searching too hard, because very few of them ever think to look under my bed."

"Sometimes I wish Jim Morrison were still alive, because I'd love to see a concert in which "The Doors"opened up for "The Cars."

"There Are Two Typos Of People In This World: Those Who Can Edit And Those Who Can’t"

"I love tables. And dancing. Oh, and I love table dancing, although Grandmother always says, "Wait until we're finished eating."

"I’ve always felt that the best place to hide a body is in the trunk of a cop car, with a note affixed to the body that reads, “I’m sorry."

"I saw a bottle of conditioner the other day that said, "Family Size,"and I thought, That's odd, I didn't know too many families showered together."