"If writers write, then rangers range. And I’d like to wake up every morning and be a mother, so I could eat my own clothes."
"I saw a bottle of conditioner the other day that said, "Family Size,"and I thought, That's odd, I didn't know too many families showered together."
"I have a real problem keeping friends. I'm always running out of space in my freezer."
"I’m glad scrambled eggs don’t have lips, because when I’m grinning over a hearty breakfast, it would really freak me out to see my breakfast grinning back. I’ve eaten a man for less than that."
"Flowers and fear are a lot alike. For one, flowers and fear have a distinct smell, and two, I’m currently trying to grow both in my garden."
"I’ve often wondered why more science textbooks don’t tell teenagers that the only thing sharks like to eat more than fish, are dead prostitutes."