"Last year I built a Courage Machine, but I thought it might be noisy and was too afraid to turn it on. So I coated it with glue, covered it with cat hair, mounted it on my wall, and started claiming it was an exotic animal I killed on a Safari in Africa. I'd like to believe people believe me, on account of it being so strange that it has to be true."
"Her and I, we have a two chairs and a table kind of love. You should pull up a feeling and have a seat."
"I know half, and I know two guys who each know half of half, so together we’re altogether. Let this be a lesson in networking."
"She doesn’t want me to leave, and she doesn’t want me to stay. That’s a double helping of Doesn’t Want Me, and one big I’m Not Hungry back at her."
"It was a cold night, so I got a fire going. I lit a scented candle."
"Finger food, is that food you eat with your fingers, or is that where you eat your fingers? I’m starving, but I also want to play the piano, so I need to know."