More quotes by Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"I wrapped your birthday present in carpet, because I bought you a floor. It’s so you have something other than me to walk all over."
"Let me just pause a minute and drink in this moment. And if you film it, I’ll be able to get free refills for life."
"My girlfriend just bought me a portable toaster. And my birthday’s coming up, so I’m half expecting her to buy me a portable bathtub to go along with it."
"I had a second friend come over to my house, and do you know what I called her? A refill. If relationships aren’t drinkable, why do we thirst for them so much?"
"Only a fool tells people that only fools buy gold. In the coming future, I’d rather have fool’s gold than dollar bills. Ask Zimbabwe."