"Love is 60% water, because a human being, the essence of love, is 60% water. But that’s the other 40% made up of? Easy—mint green tea and honey."
"A raisin on the ground is full of hope that if it just keeps aging, it will turn into wine and get drunk on its wrinkly self."
"I have a doctorate degree from the School of Hard Knocks. I studied door-to-door salesmanship. This was before the doorbell was invented."
"Flowers are aromatic and romantic, and they grow exactly the way love does—with plenty of light, and watered with affection."
"Some people try to change the world one life at a time. Others try to change the world one death at a time. And I try to change the world one bucket full of dirt at a time."
"If you find yourself thirsting for my love, don’t forget that I sell straws in a variety of flavors. What is the price of romance? Good question. Today only it’s on sale for half-off wholesale prices. Everything must go. My entire inventory of straws is being liquidated."