"More people are leaving TV behind to read my books than ever before. In the last year alone I gained over two readers (three, to be exact). So I’d like to take a moment and say thanks mom, dad, and kidnap victim I keep chained in the basement."
"I wonder if rooms in an insane asylum have Do Not Disturb signs for the doors. I should hope not, because knock or no knock, every occupant in those rooms is already disturbed."
"Education will only take you so far. To go even further, I’d recommend getting a piggyback ride from a midget half your body weight."
"All the ideas in the universe can be described by words. Therefore, if you simply take all the words and rearrange them randomly enough times, you’re bound to hit upon at least a few great ideas eventually. Sausage donkey swallows flying guillotine, my love assembly line."
"I’m trying to translate what my cat says and put it in a book, but how many homonyms are there for meow?"
"I’m trying to translate what my cat says and put it in a book, but how many homonyms are there for meow?"