"More people are leaving TV behind to read my books than ever before. In the last year alone I gained over two readers (three, to be exact). So I’d like to take a moment and say thanks mom, dad, and kidnap victim I keep chained in the basement."
"Reading a book is like having the ability to dip a straw into the author’s soul and sip and slurp without lowering the water table of wisdom."
"Are you happy here with me? Because if not, we can scoot over a few feet."
"Love will find you eventually, I guarantee it. That’s why you need to buy an invisible cloak from me for the one-time low price of $77,777.77. Offer valid for emotional invalids only."
"All my best writing was written before 1982, and then a significant event happened to me: I was born."
"Faith: a device of the mind, fed by the soul, that functions like crutches to a man in a wheelchair."