"One day I’ll have my appointment with death, and every day I call out to God to see if I can reschedule for a later date."
"Education will only take you so far. To go even further, I’d recommend getting a piggyback ride from a midget half your body weight."
"My grandpa died yesterday. I ought to know, because I shot him. So come, join me in the fight against patricide by killing your father’s father."
"All the ideas in the universe can be described by words. Therefore, if you simply take all the words and rearrange them randomly enough times, you’re bound to hit upon at least a few great ideas eventually. Sausage donkey swallows flying guillotine, my love assembly line."
"Not only do I not believe in not believing in God, I’m also a big supporter of crutches, canes, walkers, and anything that helps support man through difficult times."
"Death cannot stop true love. That’s why it’s pointless for me to try to murder all my adoring female fans."