"One day I’ll have my appointment with death, and every day I call out to God to see if I can reschedule for a later date."
"Are you OK with pissing people off to succeed? Because that’s what will happen. Success pisses off the unsuccessful."
"All my best writing was written before 1982, and then a significant event happened to me: I was born."
"More people are leaving TV behind to read my books than ever before. In the last year alone I gained over two readers (three, to be exact). So I’d like to take a moment and say thanks mom, dad, and kidnap victim I keep chained in the basement."
"I've been trying to start a garage band for over a decade now, but father won't move his car."
"I’m trying to translate what my cat says and put it in a book, but how many homonyms are there for meow?"