"More people are leaving TV behind to read my books than ever before. In the last year alone I gained over two readers (three, to be exact). So I’d like to take a moment and say thanks mom, dad, and kidnap victim I keep chained in the basement."
"All the ideas in the universe can be described by words. Therefore, if you simply take all the words and rearrange them randomly enough times, you’re bound to hit upon at least a few great ideas eventually. Sausage donkey swallows flying guillotine, my love assembly line."
"Education will only take you so far. To go even further, I’d recommend getting a piggyback ride from a midget half your body weight."
"I've been trying to start a garage band for over a decade now, but father won't move his car."
"One day I’ll have my appointment with death, and every day I call out to God to see if I can reschedule for a later date."
"I want to write a song about retaliation called, "Oh Yeah, and I Faked Every Orgasm...While You Were Out of Town."