Are you happy here with me? Because if not, we can scoot ove... - Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.

"Half of what I write is garbage, but if I don't write it down it decomposes in my head."

"I’m famous for my Shepherd’s Pie. Here’s my recipe: lamb, potatoes, cheese, peas, paprika, and a wool-covered apron for the chef/shepherd/wolf-like politician to wear while serving the sheeple up."

"My grandpa died yesterday. I ought to know, because I shot him. So come, join me in the fight against patricide by killing your father’s father."

"I’m trying to translate what my cat says and put it in a book, but how many homonyms are there for meow?"

"All the ideas in the universe can be described by words. Therefore, if you simply take all the words and rearrange them randomly enough times, you’re bound to hit upon at least a few great ideas eventually. Sausage donkey swallows flying guillotine, my love assembly line."