"I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that your house hasn't burned down, you don't have cancer, and your daughter hasn't been raped or murdered. The bad news is that I ran over your dog. And your son. And his wife. But not before I ran out of gas to achieve all of that."
"Education will only take you so far. To go even further, I’d recommend getting a piggyback ride from a midget half your body weight."
"Not only do I not believe in not believing in God, I’m also a big supporter of crutches, canes, walkers, and anything that helps support man through difficult times."
"I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that your house hasn't burned down, you don't have cancer, and your daughter hasn't been raped or murdered. The bad news is that I ran over your dog. And your son. And his wife. But not before I ran out of gas to achieve all of that."
"Are you OK with pissing people off to succeed? Because that’s what will happen. Success pisses off the unsuccessful."
"Death cannot stop true love. That’s why it’s pointless for me to try to murder all my adoring female fans."