"Reading a book is like having the ability to dip a straw into the author’s soul and sip and slurp without lowering the water table of wisdom."
"Faith: a device of the mind, fed by the soul, that functions like crutches to a man in a wheelchair."
"I’m famous for my Shepherd’s Pie. Here’s my recipe: lamb, potatoes, cheese, peas, paprika, and a wool-covered apron for the chef/shepherd/wolf-like politician to wear while serving the sheeple up."
"I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that your house hasn't burned down, you don't have cancer, and your daughter hasn't been raped or murdered. The bad news is that I ran over your dog. And your son. And his wife. But not before I ran out of gas to achieve all of that."
"One day I’ll have my appointment with death, and every day I call out to God to see if I can reschedule for a later date."
"I've been trying to start a garage band for over a decade now, but father won't move his car."