"Education will only take you so far. To go even further, I’d recommend getting a piggyback ride from a midget half your body weight."
"What’s on my mind? I could say you, but we both know I'd be lying. Actually, I'm only pretending that you aren't on my mind. But I know that you don't mind."
"Half of what I write is garbage, but if I don't write it down it decomposes in my head."
"One day I’ll have my appointment with death, and every day I call out to God to see if I can reschedule for a later date."
"Are you happy here with me? Because if not, we can scoot over a few feet."
"Every night I pray I whisper into a megaphone, not only so God is sure to hear, but also my neighbors, because I pray to God He’ll deliver pestilence and plague to the residents next door. I even tell God the exact address, as if He can’t read my heart. But it’s not for His benefit, it’s for my neighbors’."