"Education will only take you so far. To go even further, I’d recommend getting a piggyback ride from a midget half your body weight."
"Half of what I write is garbage, but if I don't write it down it decomposes in my head."
"One day I’ll have my appointment with death, and every day I call out to God to see if I can reschedule for a later date."
"My grandpa died yesterday. I ought to know, because I shot him. So come, join me in the fight against patricide by killing your father’s father."
"What’s on my mind? I could say you, but we both know I'd be lying. Actually, I'm only pretending that you aren't on my mind. But I know that you don't mind."
"I've been trying to start a garage band for over a decade now, but father won't move his car."