"Education will only take you so far. To go even further, I’d recommend getting a piggyback ride from a midget half your body weight."
"What’s the opposite of start? Would the average person think stop or finish? The answer may reflect the difference between a winner and a loser."
"I've been trying to start a garage band for over a decade now, but father won't move his car."
"The wind blew my words away from you. So while I told you I love you, the phrase was carried in the opposite direction and landed 333 miles away in the ears of a confused farmer. He was nice, though. He sent me a kind letter saying that while he was flattered, I wasn’t really his type."
"I’m trying to translate what my cat says and put it in a book, but how many homonyms are there for meow?"
"I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that your house hasn't burned down, you don't have cancer, and your daughter hasn't been raped or murdered. The bad news is that I ran over your dog. And your son. And his wife. But not before I ran out of gas to achieve all of that."