"My hobbies include rubbing my nipples across a cheese grater, meeting cat ladies on Tinder, and voting for either Democrat or Republican every four years. You could say I am a torture enthusiast."
"Tweeting is talking into the abyss, filling a void in your life by avoiding real human contact."
"My clone will have my mind, but I don’t mind. Two heads are better than one—especially when those two are one and the same."
"A white wedding dress, once worn, is like the ghost of a moment, trapping feelings of forever into fabric that’s never to be tried on again."
"I loved her as long as a midget. It was gruesome, and then I grew some."
"She said love her or be tortured by her. I replied, "Torture would be less painful."She didn't realize that I'm a true romantic."