"My grandpa died yesterday. I ought to know, because I shot him. So come, join me in the fight against patricide by killing your father’s father."
"The wind blew my words away from you. So while I told you I love you, the phrase was carried in the opposite direction and landed 333 miles away in the ears of a confused farmer. He was nice, though. He sent me a kind letter saying that while he was flattered, I wasn’t really his type."
"Hydrogenated and androgynous milky white love is all I have to offer you. Would you like me to pour it in your coffee, or directly into your soul?"
"Death cannot stop true love. That’s why it’s pointless for me to try to murder all my adoring female fans."
"One day I’ll have my appointment with death, and every day I call out to God to see if I can reschedule for a later date."
"Death cannot stop true love. That’s why it’s pointless for me to try to murder all my adoring female fans."