"She's beautiful, but so what? If the University of Florida taught me anything, it's that beautiful women are everywhere. The trick is to find the diamond among all the glittering cubic zirconias."
"It's a black and white issue: gray is grey, and there's no two ways about it."
"When I go off the grid, my main source of light will be fireflies. Oh, and the glow that will come from the epic love poem I am writing for you."
"I am restless when I rest. I sleep like I’m engaged in an invisible wrestling match. Naturally, I almost always win."
"I just bought a bag of potato-chip-flavored air. I also bought a bed, but sleep wasn’t included. Thank God a cup of coffee is full of wakefulness."
"I have a doctorate degree from the School of Hard Knocks. I studied door-to-door salesmanship. This was before the doorbell was invented."