"Sometimes I sit for hours just thinking, wondering what the man upstairs is trying to tell me. Yesterday I reached the conclusion that he was saying, “Get me a slinky."
"Whether you live to be 50 or 100 makes no difference, if you made no difference in the world."
"Nothing in this world feels quite like freedom, except for freedom. And nothing in the world tastes quite like freedom, except for fried bald eagles."
"I don’t think that taking off my eye patch would increase my night vision by 100%, but it would go a long way towards relieving my wedgie."
"Not only am I thinking about getting a nose job, but I’m also trying to get employment for the rest of my face."
"I’d love to create a personal profile on a dating site with a headline that reads, “Great Listener Seeks Mute Woman."