"If my name were Mememem, and I had just ran into someone who should have known my name but couldn’t recall it, I’d probably say, “I can’t believe you don’t remememember my name."
"The easiest way to get from point A to point B is with a vehicle that runs on alphabet soup."
"My birthday is on a holiday. I just have to wait until I die and they commemorate me."
"In high school I barely made the rodeo team. But I wasn’t good enough to start, so I just rode the bench."
"If I ever go to China, I’m going to find a piano and play “Chopsticks”--only not with my fingers, but rather I’ll be using two forks."
"I’d love to create a personal profile on a dating site with a headline that reads, “Great Listener Seeks Mute Woman."