I’d love to create a personal profile on a dating site with... - Jarod Kintz, Great Listener Seeks Mute Women

"Whether you live to be 50 or 100 makes no difference, if you made no difference in the world."

"My birthday is on a holiday. I just have to wait until I die and they commemorate me."

"Even a fool recognizes that there is great sadness in a bucket of tears. But only a wise man thinks to conserve water and use that bucket to wash his car."

"Everything I’ve ever done, ever thought, ever experienced, and ever felt, has led me up to this moment in my life. And after accumulating and culminating it, all I can say is, “Ahhhhh!"

"I don’t think that taking off my eye patch would increase my night vision by 100%, but it would go a long way towards relieving my wedgie."