Jarod Kintz, Great Listener Seeks Mute Women

"Whether you live to be 50 or 100 makes no difference, if you made no difference in the world."

"Not only am I thinking about getting a nose job, but I’m also trying to get employment for the rest of my face."

"Sometimes I sit for hours just thinking, wondering what the man upstairs is trying to tell me. Yesterday I reached the conclusion that he was saying, “Get me a slinky."

"In high school I barely made the rodeo team. But I wasn’t good enough to start, so I just rode the bench."

"If my name were Mememem, and I had just ran into someone who should have known my name but couldn’t recall it, I’d probably say, “I can’t believe you don’t remememember my name."

"My birthday is on a holiday. I just have to wait until I die and they commemorate me."

"Everything I’ve ever done, ever thought, ever experienced, and ever felt, has led me up to this moment in my life. And after accumulating and culminating it, all I can say is, “Ahhhhh!"

"Whether you live to be 50 or 100 makes no difference, if you made no difference in the world."

"The easiest way to get from point A to point B is with a vehicle that runs on alphabet soup."

"My birthday is on a holiday. I just have to wait until I die and they commemorate me."

"I’d love to create a personal profile on a dating site with a headline that reads, “Great Listener Seeks Mute Woman."

"Whether you live to be 50 or 100 makes no difference, if you made no difference in the world."

"Even a fool recognizes that there is great sadness in a bucket of tears. But only a wise man thinks to conserve water and use that bucket to wash his car."

"Sometimes I sit for hours just thinking, wondering what the man upstairs is trying to tell me. Yesterday I reached the conclusion that he was saying, “Get me a slinky."

"Even a fool recognizes that there is great sadness in a bucket of tears. But only a wise man thinks to conserve water and use that bucket to wash his car."

"Not only am I thinking about getting a nose job, but I’m also trying to get employment for the rest of my face."

"I’d love to create a personal profile on a dating site with a headline that reads, “Great Listener Seeks Mute Woman."

"Sometimes I sit for hours just thinking, wondering what the man upstairs is trying to tell me. Yesterday I reached the conclusion that he was saying, “Get me a slinky."

"If I ever go to China, I’m going to find a piano and play “Chopsticks”--only not with my fingers, but rather I’ll be using two forks."

"Whether you live to be 50 or 100 makes no difference, if you made no difference in the world."