Jarod Kintz, Great Listener Seeks Mute Women

"I’d love to create a personal profile on a dating site with a headline that reads, “Great Listener Seeks Mute Woman."

"I don’t think that taking off my eye patch would increase my night vision by 100%, but it would go a long way towards relieving my wedgie."

"Even a fool recognizes that there is great sadness in a bucket of tears. But only a wise man thinks to conserve water and use that bucket to wash his car."

"If my name were Mememem, and I had just ran into someone who should have known my name but couldn’t recall it, I’d probably say, “I can’t believe you don’t remememember my name."

"My birthday is on a holiday. I just have to wait until I die and they commemorate me."

"Nothing in this world feels quite like freedom, except for freedom. And nothing in the world tastes quite like freedom, except for fried bald eagles."

"The easiest way to get from point A to point B is with a vehicle that runs on alphabet soup."

"Whether you live to be 50 or 100 makes no difference, if you made no difference in the world."

"Whether you live to be 50 or 100 makes no difference, if you made no difference in the world."

"Sometimes I sit for hours just thinking, wondering what the man upstairs is trying to tell me. Yesterday I reached the conclusion that he was saying, “Get me a slinky."

"My birthday is on a holiday. I just have to wait until I die and they commemorate me."

"In high school I barely made the rodeo team. But I wasn’t good enough to start, so I just rode the bench."

"Even a fool recognizes that there is great sadness in a bucket of tears. But only a wise man thinks to conserve water and use that bucket to wash his car."

"Not only am I thinking about getting a nose job, but I’m also trying to get employment for the rest of my face."

"Sometimes I sit for hours just thinking, wondering what the man upstairs is trying to tell me. Yesterday I reached the conclusion that he was saying, “Get me a slinky."

"Sometimes I sit for hours just thinking, wondering what the man upstairs is trying to tell me. Yesterday I reached the conclusion that he was saying, “Get me a slinky."

"Everything I’ve ever done, ever thought, ever experienced, and ever felt, has led me up to this moment in my life. And after accumulating and culminating it, all I can say is, “Ahhhhh!"

"I’d love to create a personal profile on a dating site with a headline that reads, “Great Listener Seeks Mute Woman."

"Everything I’ve ever done, ever thought, ever experienced, and ever felt, has led me up to this moment in my life. And after accumulating and culminating it, all I can say is, “Ahhhhh!"

"Everything I’ve ever done, ever thought, ever experienced, and ever felt, has led me up to this moment in my life. And after accumulating and culminating it, all I can say is, “Ahhhhh!"