"The goodbad news is she only stole half. The badgood news is she stole half. And when it’s love that’s been stolen, a hole the size of half your heart feels like the whole thing has been taken."
"The thirstiest bird is surely the swallow. My love is so fluid I’ll bet drinking it would give you the gift of flight."
"Everything I’ve learned about handshakes is from hands-on experience. Due to hygiene, I only network with rubber glove manufacturers."
"Snow is not microwave friendly. In fact, snow is not too friendly at all, unless you first buy it a few beers. Then it’s just downright slutty."
"Different people have different ideas. We need to kill them—the ideas, not the people. The people we just need to torture."
"I'm sober. Yessiree, I quit drinking. I haven't had a beer in four hours. Now I just need some coffee and to get drunk on love poetry."