"The goodbad news is she only stole half. The badgood news is she stole half. And when it’s love that’s been stolen, a hole the size of half your heart feels like the whole thing has been taken."
"Midnight is Hellen-Kelleresque, so if you ask me if I’m seeing anybody, I’ll ask you what time it is. Answers are always between 12:01 AM to 11:59 PM."
"I once saw two endangered species about to have sex, but I had to put a stop to it because I suspected one of them of being a prostitute."
"Different people have different ideas. We need to kill them—the ideas, not the people. The people we just need to torture."
"The difference between you and everyone else, is everyone else. And that’s a lot, so you should feel special."
"Every day I think today could be my last day. My only fear is dying without telling her I love her one more time. All I pray for is one more time."