"The goodbad news is she only stole half. The badgood news is she stole half. And when it’s love that’s been stolen, a hole the size of half your heart feels like the whole thing has been taken."
"Some men have actually died from laughing. That's so funny I fear for my own life."
"Together kabobs make the world better than all the Bobs combined. Well, at least ever since Bob Ross moved on to the land of the happy trees."
"My heart only grows more powerful the more my flowing love goes unabsorbed, unobserved, and unappreciated."
"Her love stays with me wherever I go. That’s because I have it on a leash, like a dog, and I take it for walks like I do with my pet wheelchair."
"I was in love one time, I said as I held up my pinky. I would have held up my index finger, but I wasn't in love that long."