"The other day I woke up to find my girlfriend already gone from the house, and a sticky note on the fridge that said, "I love you.""Oh my God,"I thought. "Somebody's obsessed with me, and they kidnapped my girlfriend just to get closer to me."
"One of my main regrets in life is giving considerable thought to inconsiderate people."
"I love deeply. I love long. I love wide and high. That's right, my love is interdimensional, and my vortex will heal your body and soul."
"I think a funny picture would have a caption that read, “Believe in yourself,” with an accompanying image of a wilting flower."
"As an author, I like self-help, because clapping can be done by myself, for myself. I should buy gloves."
"I realize all guys have thorns. But I am a rose, and she chose a cactus over me. I wish her luck with her dry, desert-like existence with him."