"The test of any good fiction is that you should care something for the characters; the good to succeed, the bad to fail. The trouble with most fiction is that you want them all to land in hell together, as quickly as possible."
"Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven."
"Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life."
"A successful book is not made of what is in it, but what is left out of it."
"God created war so that Americans would learn geography."
"The Bible has noble poetry in it... and some good morals and a wealth of obscenity, and upwards of a thousand lies."