"The waves were choppy, like Chuck Norris' karate hands. The ocean would have been still, if I weren't making love in it."
"I water fake plants, because I’m growing a garden of fake mustaches. Lest no man (or woman) question my ability as a lover."
"She was washing all the dishes by hand, so I bought her a machine. I bought her a lawnmower. That’s what you do when you’re in love."
"Two butterflies in two socks could walk faster than I can run. A love song will jog your memory like I jog like Roger Bannister in a wheelchair."
"She has a sly smile, and eyes that seem to see my essence as they explore my soul and implore my spirit to enter her. I look at her and I see love."
"In a blind taste-test, my kisses were rated as Helen Kelleresque. Women love how the only sense I keenly possess is nonsense."