"What makes a good leader? I ask myself this every day, and then as I begin to list off characteristics I realize I’m describing myself. Am I the ideal leader? Let’s just say that if I were running for political office, I know who I’d vote for—twice."
"I wrote you a love letter, and I sent it snail mail. Love is forever, and that’s about how long it’ll take to get to you."
"I have liquid lips, and my kisses are smooth as wine. Why pour you a glass when you can drink from the bottle?"
"A gumble bee is half gum ball, half bumble bee, and it’s so chewy it stings. Makes me want to be a better lover and tractor salesman."
"The best part about being a writer is being able to communicate with people without moving my lips. The mouth is better used for kissing."
"I asked if she wanted kids. She said her clock is ticking. I said, That’s because I set it five minutes ahead when you weren’t looking."