"What makes a good leader? I ask myself this every day, and then as I begin to list off characteristics I realize I’m describing myself. Am I the ideal leader? Let’s just say that if I were running for political office, I know who I’d vote for—twice."
"The best part about being a writer is being able to communicate with people without moving my lips. The mouth is better used for kissing."
"My name represents me, but it’s not who I am. It’s just a collection of letters. Unfortunately, none of them are love letters."
"I drink coffee like steam is the ghost of dead water. Ever tried inhaling the afterlife?"
"A window—it’s more entertaining than TV. Just ask a cat looking out, or a man looking in on a life he desires."
"Life goal: Swim in a lake full of soup, and instead of bathing suits we’ll wear Ziploc bags while we make love like we’re feeding the homeless."