"What makes a good leader? I ask myself this every day, and then as I begin to list off characteristics I realize I’m describing myself. Am I the ideal leader? Let’s just say that if I were running for political office, I know who I’d vote for—twice."
"I should open up a dry cleaners/pizza parlor. Extra Stain Sauce will be free, but removing it out of your clothes will cost you."
"I’m addicted to warm Thanksgiving bird meat, but I should just quit cold turkey. To me, the beginning of December is like leftover November."
"There exists a big circus tent, and the right entrance is named The Republicans, and the left entrance is called The Democrats. People argue over which is the correct path, not realizing everyone inside is a clown."
"My couch is coffee-colored. I can thank Starbucks and clumsiness for that."
"William Hurt has a painful last name. Kevin Love has a name perfect for February 14th. But what about Johnny Longdong? Where does he fit?"