More quotes by Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"I drink coffee like steam is the ghost of dead water. Ever tried inhaling the afterlife?"
"If I could bronze my love, it’d be worthy of a silver medal. I would pour you a large glass of Michael Phelps, but I don’t have that much water."
"The word very will vary in muchiness. I love you very much, and that won’t vary from day to day."
"My vacation wasn’t long enough—and neither was my penis. Two weeks is just too short to satisfy one woman all night long."
"I’ve found newspapers only useful as kindling material for campfires. It’s been said that newspaper articles are written at a fifth grade reading level. If so, I can’t figure out why journalists would write something that the average high school senior can’t even read."