"I think about her sometimes, and wonder what she’s doing and who she’s doing it with. I suppose I could just stalk her Facebook page like a normal person, but that doesn’t seem as romantic as surveillance and GPS tracking."
"Though my skull is the size of a soup bowl, everything in the universe—and more—can fit inside my imagination. And guess what? My imagination tastes like chicken noodle soup."
"I had a second friend come over to my house, and do you know what I called her? A refill. If relationships aren’t drinkable, why do we thirst for them so much?"
"I got a zero. That’s like a perfect ten—it’s only one away from being flawless. Remember this next time you think you have nothing."
"Behold, the number five is at hand. Grab it and shake and harness the power of networking."
"I made a cauldron of coffee, and I was thinking we could chug it and then teach each other how to dance by using the bottom of a floating canoe as a ballroom."