Whether you live to be 50 or 100 makes no difference, if you... - Jarod Kintz, Great Listener Seeks Mute Women

"If I ever go to China, I’m going to find a piano and play “Chopsticks”--only not with my fingers, but rather I’ll be using two forks."

"I’d love to create a personal profile on a dating site with a headline that reads, “Great Listener Seeks Mute Woman."

"The easiest way to get from point A to point B is with a vehicle that runs on alphabet soup."

"Even a fool recognizes that there is great sadness in a bucket of tears. But only a wise man thinks to conserve water and use that bucket to wash his car."

"Not only am I thinking about getting a nose job, but I’m also trying to get employment for the rest of my face."