Paula Poundstone

"Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up ’cause they’re looking for ideas."

"I used to watch 'The Waltons' and sob because my family was nothing like that. We had a cruel sense of humor in my family."

"The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling."

"I have a very silly sense of humor. I've never laughed harder in my entire life than seeing someone with toilet paper stuck on the bottom of their shoe."