#Silly

"What does it mean to be the best? It means you have to be better than the number two guy. But what gratification is there in that? He's a loser—that’s why he's number two."

"I don’t mind waiting rooms. I’m waiting on the love of my life, so I may as well have a seat, right?"

"Comparing penis sizes is a much more nuanced and sophisticated way to determine who’s right than something as clunky and uncouth as a debate."

"I don't want to work a 9-5 job, because 20 hours a day is just too much."

"I want to mail my mailman something. He always brings me mail, yet I never give him any mail. Maybe he will appreciate the thought, or maybe he will feel I am making more work for him."

"I have a very silly sense of humor. I've never laughed harder in my entire life than seeing someone with toilet paper stuck on the bottom of their shoe."

"I can tie a cherry stem into a knot with my tongue. Now, if only I could do the same with my shoelaces, I wouldn’t have to banana pudding my way to success."

"A crate full of discreet would appear to be empty. But it’s not. It’s full of my love for you."

"With a palindrome of a name, like Bob, I’d be both right thinking and dyslexic. Would you love me more as a Bob, or as a Bob?"

"My nickname isn’t Scarface—it’s Scarf Ace. I make knitted neck warmers like I make love—one grandmother at a time."

"Love is the only gift that’s acceptable to give away as soon as you get it."

"Blood may be thicker than water, but it's certainly not as thick as ketchup. Nor does it go as well with French fries."

"I want to gather up all the ink cartridges in the universe, because somewhere, mixed in with all that ink, is the next great American novel. And I’d love nothing more than to drink it."

"As an author, I like self-help, because clapping can be done by myself, for myself. I should buy gloves."

"I have never seduced a fish taco for selfish reasons. I am an altruistic lover."

"You can’t buy love, it’s true. However, I am offering mine for rent. Buy one year and get the next six months at half price."

"I love tables. And dancing. Oh, and I love table dancing, although Grandmother always says, "Wait until we're finished eating."

"I once saw two endangered species about to have sex, but I had to put a stop to it because I suspected one of them of being a prostitute."

"I am the broth of love. Make soup to me."

"I loved her as long as a midget. It was gruesome, and then I grew some."