#Silly

"I belong, and my penis, it be long."

"She’ll come to love me or she won’t. I’m a fisherman, not a hunter."

"I want to sprint into her open arms, but I run as fast as two shoes tied together and thrown over a telephone wire. I’m like Roger Bannister, now that he’s in a wheelchair."

"Love one person at a time, that’s the motto I’ll try to get my clones to live by."

"I am the broth of love. Make soup to me."

"Comparing penis sizes is a much more nuanced and sophisticated way to determine who’s right than something as clunky and uncouth as a debate."

"I love tables. And dancing. Oh, and I love table dancing, although Grandmother always says, "Wait until we're finished eating."

"If I told you I’ve worked hard to get where I’m at, I’d be lying, because I have no idea where I am right now."

"I want to spend less time talking about myself, and more time listening to what other people have to say about me."

"I want to gather up all the ink cartridges in the universe, because somewhere, mixed in with all that ink, is the next great American novel. And I’d love nothing more than to drink it."

"Put your middle finger and your thumb together. And make it snappy."

"You know, people ask me. They say 'Dan, three years later do you really want to be drawing cat whiskers on your face?' but they don't understand. The cat whiskers, they come from within."

"A coffin would make a great suitcase. If I folded it neatly, I’ll bet I could pack in all my love for you."

"I have a very silly sense of humor. I've never laughed harder in my entire life than seeing someone with toilet paper stuck on the bottom of their shoe."

"I think about her sometimes, and wonder what she’s doing and who she’s doing it with. I suppose I could just stalk her Facebook page like a normal person, but that doesn’t seem as romantic as surveillance and GPS tracking."

"My nickname isn’t Scarface—it’s Scarf Ace. I make knitted neck warmers like I make love—one grandmother at a time."

"A friendship can weather most things and thrive in thin soil; but it needs a little mulch of letters and phone calls and small, silly presents every so often - just to save it from drying out completely."

"A crate full of discreet would appear to be empty. But it’s not. It’s full of my love for you."

"If you approach Cannes with a sense of humor, nothing is that bad. You have to take it for what it is; otherwise, it's silly."

"As an author, I like self-help, because clapping can be done by myself, for myself. I should buy gloves."