"A circular table that spins around is a great way to make a romantic dinner for two with three people less awkward. I’ll pay for myself, I promise."
"Midnight is Hellen-Kelleresque, so if you ask me if I’m seeing anybody, I’ll ask you what time it is. Answers are always between 12:01 AM to 11:59 PM."
"Wherever there’s a gathering of people, there is networking going on. My favorite place to network is the cemetery."
"The naked truth is anything but naked. But it will be soon enough, if I keep giving it alcohol."
"01210 is a pyramid, & worms move like handicapped snakes. My dream belongs in a wheelchair, because I just spilled coffee all over my sleep."
"I got arrested for driving naked. I guess I shouldn’t have put four wheels, an engine, and a steering wheel on my bathtub. I’m a do-it-yourself kind of lover."