"I got arrested for driving naked. I guess I shouldn’t have put four wheels, an engine, and a steering wheel on my bathtub. I’m a do-it-yourself kind of lover."
"In the land of Gibberish, the man who makes sense, the man who speaks clearly, clearly speaks nonsense."
"I’m more of a journalist than anyone in the mainstream media, and I write fiction. More than fiction, I write absurd nonsense surrealism, and my work has more truth."
"My handshake is as firm as cooked spaghetti. So, do you prefer your introductions with Alfredo or marinara sauce?"
"On a scale of 1 to extroverted, I’m a 3.14159. So is pi. I network like “the ratio of a circle's circumference to its diameter.” Thanks, Wikipedia!"
"Unreturned love is like trying to make a sandwich with one slice of bread. Don’t stress—fold it in half and love yourself."