"A little part of me dies every time I try to commit suicide. If life is a buffet, I’m still in the mac and cheese phase. Maybe one day I’ll mature into more of a meatloaf kind of guy."
"A slinky is a toy made for stairs, but that’s entirely too tiresome. What about a toy for escalators that doesn’t move and does nothing and that’s the whole point? I think Americans would relate to and embrace that mentality."
"Trying to hide my feelings to avoid getting hurt just ends up hurting not only myself—but also the person I am hiding my feelings from."
"I should open up a dry cleaners/pizza parlor. Extra Stain Sauce will be free, but removing it out of your clothes will cost you."
"I wish the military were the militerary. Less fighting and more reading."
"I grew a garden in her heart. There was plenty of space for flowers, because her heart was completely empty of love."