A man is accepted into a church for what he believes and he... - Mark Twain

"All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure."

"Loyalty to country ALWAYS. Loyalty to government, when it deserves it."

"What is Man? Man is a noisome bacillus whom Our Heavenly Father created because he was disappointed in the monkey."

"You believe in a book that has talking animals, wizards, witches, demons, sticks turning into snakes, burning bushes, food falling from the sky, people walking on water, and all sorts of magical, absurd and primitive stories, and you say that we are the ones that need help?"

"The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven."