"A poem for Beth: Roses are red, Violets are blue, I didn’t know what love meant, until I looked it up in the dictionary."
"I can’t define what love is. That’s like eating a pancake with a waffle instead of a fork. But you know it when you feel it, like petting a cat wearing a synthetic fur coat."
"I could name my penis Steve, and it would be appropriate, as it is sort of shaped like my dad’s face, whose name is Steve. Not just his face, but his whole body and person is named Steve. And he’s a dick."
"I found your love like I found religion: in an aluminum trashcan in the middle of the Utah desert."
"I am my own love story. And I want to tell my love story, from the inside. Just add water and stir."
"Love means never having to say you’re sorry for a minor stab wound."