"A poem for Beth: Roses are red, Violets are blue, I didn’t know what love meant, until I looked it up in the dictionary."
"I would pour you a glass of wine, but wouldn’t it be more romantic if you sipped it out of my armpit?"
"About adultery: Don’t go looking for pancakes when you have flapjacks at home."
"Love means never having to say you’re sorry for a minor stab wound."
"I am not the Bird of Love I once thought I was. But my silence suggests I may be the Pterodactyl of Love."
"I could name my penis Steve, and it would be appropriate, as it is sort of shaped like my dad’s face, whose name is Steve. Not just his face, but his whole body and person is named Steve. And he’s a dick."