"I could name my penis Steve, and it would be appropriate, as it is sort of shaped like my dad’s face, whose name is Steve. Not just his face, but his whole body and person is named Steve. And he’s a dick."
"I define myself and grow as a person through emotional torment, so if you love me, you will inflict as much pain on me as you possibly can."
"I lost my faith in my faithlessness. I believe I’m a nonbeliever now."
"Leave the cage open. If you love someone, give them a chance to leave. You can always lock them up again should they return to you."
"I told my doctor my penis was as thin as a spaghetti noodle. I asked if there was anything I could do to bulk it up, and he said, “Yeah, tell your girl to twirl it on a fork before she puts it in her mouth."
"Her dad died unexpectedly, so I hid the flowers, because flowers are reminders of spring and life, and also of headstones and death. Also, I hid the flowers because they were for another woman."