"I could name my penis Steve, and it would be appropriate, as it is sort of shaped like my dad’s face, whose name is Steve. Not just his face, but his whole body and person is named Steve. And he’s a dick."
"I would pour you a glass of wine, but wouldn’t it be more romantic if you sipped it out of my armpit?"
"About adultery: Don’t go looking for pancakes when you have flapjacks at home."
"I found your love like I found religion: in an aluminum trashcan in the middle of the Utah desert."
"Napoleon made war like I make love—from a height of about 68 centimeters. (I wear platform shoes while I’m on my knees)"
"Love is something to be treated with awe. Or should it be aww? People don’t know my capacity for love. If you tried to bottle it up, I’m sure it would take at least three thermoses to contain it. And if it did get contained, would you drink my love black, or would you add cream and sugar?"