"I am not the Bird of Love I once thought I was. But my silence suggests I may be the Pterodactyl of Love."
"About adultery: Don’t go looking for pancakes when you have flapjacks at home."
"I told my doctor my penis was as thin as a spaghetti noodle. I asked if there was anything I could do to bulk it up, and he said, “Yeah, tell your girl to twirl it on a fork before she puts it in her mouth."
"I would pour you a glass of wine, but wouldn’t it be more romantic if you sipped it out of my armpit?"
"Love is something to be treated with awe. Or should it be aww? People don’t know my capacity for love. If you tried to bottle it up, I’m sure it would take at least three thermoses to contain it. And if it did get contained, would you drink my love black, or would you add cream and sugar?"
"I am the Love Ventriloquist. And if you say I’m not, I’ll say it so it sounds like you said I am."