An exercise in unknowing is not the same as not knowing or f... - Jarod Kintz, This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

"She says he says, but she could be lying to me, and he could be lying to her, so I can’t believe her, even if I could believe her."

"If one unlabeled bottle holds nonfat milk, what does the second unlabeled bottle contain? If you answered “Whole milk” then you’re obviously not ready to receive a jug of my love. So I’ll just pour it in someone else’s coffee."

"I’d rather fake my own fog, than fake a steamy love scene. Can I interest you in some mist? It’s homemade."

"How’s my mom? My mother’s well, like a painting—a Motherwell."

"Writers fish for the right words like fishermen fish for, um, whatever those aquatic creatures with fins and gills are called."