"Writers fish for the right words like fishermen fish for, um, whatever those aquatic creatures with fins and gills are called."
"If one unlabeled bottle holds nonfat milk, what does the second unlabeled bottle contain? If you answered “Whole milk” then you’re obviously not ready to receive a jug of my love. So I’ll just pour it in someone else’s coffee."
"I have an 8th grade education. Of course, I also have a bachelor’s degree."
"I love like a leaf in the wind. Please, hold your applause until the end of the performance (the last day of fall)."
"I’d rather fake my own fog, than fake a steamy love scene. Can I interest you in some mist? It’s homemade."
"She says he says, but she could be lying to me, and he could be lying to her, so I can’t believe her, even if I could believe her."