"As you get older; you've probably noticed that you tend to forget things. You'll be talking with somebody at a party, and you'll know that you know this person, but no matter how hard you try, you can't remember his or her name. This can be very embarassing, especially if he or she turns out to be your spouse."
"Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?"
"The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates."
"Aside from velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can't see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge you upwards of seventy-five dollars per hour for it, without necessarily fixing anything."
"I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me."
"Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print."