Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not eve... - Groucho Marx

"Before I speak, I have something important to say."

"From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."

"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."

"Humor is reason gone mad."

"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'."