Groucho Marx

"We'll meet at the theater tonight. I'll hold your seat 'til you get there. Once you get there; you're on your own."

"Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know."

"Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun."

"Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while"

"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."

"Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today."

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."

"Humor is reason gone mad."

"Before I speak, I have something important to say."

"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."

"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."

"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others."

"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."

"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."

"If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere."

"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."

"From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."

"Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere."

"From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."