Groucho Marx

"Room service? Send up a larger room."[A Night at the Opera]"

"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know."

"Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while"

"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."

"Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun."

"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself."

"From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."

"Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today."

"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."

"Before I speak, I have something important to say."

"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'."

"Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere."

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."

"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."

"Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse."

"We'll meet at the theater tonight. I'll hold your seat 'til you get there. Once you get there; you're on your own."

"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."

"If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere."

"Humor is reason gone mad."

"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."