Groucho Marx

"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know."

"We'll meet at the theater tonight. I'll hold your seat 'til you get there. Once you get there; you're on your own."

"Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere."

"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."

"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."

"Room service? Send up a larger room."[A Night at the Opera]"

"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."

"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."

"If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere."

"Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know."

"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."

"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."

"Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun."

"Humor is reason gone mad."

"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."

"Humor is reason gone mad."

"Before I speak, I have something important to say."

"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself."

"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'."

"From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."