From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I... - Groucho Marx

"We'll meet at the theater tonight. I'll hold your seat 'til you get there. Once you get there; you're on your own."

"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."

"Humor is reason gone mad."

"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."

"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."