"Even a fool recognizes that there is great sadness in a bucket of tears. But only a wise man thinks to conserve water and use that bucket to wash his car."
"I’d love to create a personal profile on a dating site with a headline that reads, “Great Listener Seeks Mute Woman."
"I don’t think that taking off my eye patch would increase my night vision by 100%, but it would go a long way towards relieving my wedgie."
"Nothing in this world feels quite like freedom, except for freedom. And nothing in the world tastes quite like freedom, except for fried bald eagles."
"Not only am I thinking about getting a nose job, but I’m also trying to get employment for the rest of my face."
"If my name were Mememem, and I had just ran into someone who should have known my name but couldn’t recall it, I’d probably say, “I can’t believe you don’t remememember my name."