"Every night I pray I whisper into a megaphone, not only so God is sure to hear, but also my neighbors, because I pray to God He’ll deliver pestilence and plague to the residents next door. I even tell God the exact address, as if He can’t read my heart. But it’s not for His benefit, it’s for my neighbors’."
"I've been trying to start a garage band for over a decade now, but father won't move his car."
"One day I’ll have my appointment with death, and every day I call out to God to see if I can reschedule for a later date."
"One day I’ll have my appointment with death, and every day I call out to God to see if I can reschedule for a later date."
"Reading a book is like having the ability to dip a straw into the author’s soul and sip and slurp without lowering the water table of wisdom."
"I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that your house hasn't burned down, you don't have cancer, and your daughter hasn't been raped or murdered. The bad news is that I ran over your dog. And your son. And his wife. But not before I ran out of gas to achieve all of that."