"I want to write a song about retaliation called, "Oh Yeah, and I Faked Every Orgasm...While You Were Out of Town."
"My grandpa died yesterday. I ought to know, because I shot him. So come, join me in the fight against patricide by killing your father’s father."
"I've been trying to start a garage band for over a decade now, but father won't move his car."
"The wind blew my words away from you. So while I told you I love you, the phrase was carried in the opposite direction and landed 333 miles away in the ears of a confused farmer. He was nice, though. He sent me a kind letter saying that while he was flattered, I wasn’t really his type."
"One day I’ll have my appointment with death, and every day I call out to God to see if I can reschedule for a later date."
"Are you OK with pissing people off to succeed? Because that’s what will happen. Success pisses off the unsuccessful."