"I want to write a song about retaliation called, "Oh Yeah, and I Faked Every Orgasm...While You Were Out of Town."
"Reading a book is like having the ability to dip a straw into the author’s soul and sip and slurp without lowering the water table of wisdom."
"I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that your house hasn't burned down, you don't have cancer, and your daughter hasn't been raped or murdered. The bad news is that I ran over your dog. And your son. And his wife. But not before I ran out of gas to achieve all of that."
"Reading a book is like having the ability to dip a straw into the author’s soul and sip and slurp without lowering the water table of wisdom."
"All my best writing was written before 1982, and then a significant event happened to me: I was born."
"More people are leaving TV behind to read my books than ever before. In the last year alone I gained over two readers (three, to be exact). So I’d like to take a moment and say thanks mom, dad, and kidnap victim I keep chained in the basement."