Half of what I write is garbage, but if I don't write it dow... - Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.

"I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that your house hasn't burned down, you don't have cancer, and your daughter hasn't been raped or murdered. The bad news is that I ran over your dog. And your son. And his wife. But not before I ran out of gas to achieve all of that."

"I’m trying to translate what my cat says and put it in a book, but how many homonyms are there for meow?"

"One day I’ll have my appointment with death, and every day I call out to God to see if I can reschedule for a later date."

"I’m famous for my Shepherd’s Pie. Here’s my recipe: lamb, potatoes, cheese, peas, paprika, and a wool-covered apron for the chef/shepherd/wolf-like politician to wear while serving the sheeple up."

"Every night I pray I whisper into a megaphone, not only so God is sure to hear, but also my neighbors, because I pray to God He’ll deliver pestilence and plague to the residents next door. I even tell God the exact address, as if He can’t read my heart. But it’s not for His benefit, it’s for my neighbors’."